thejunkman

Last night, her and I had come to a head again. It had been decided that we shouldn't talk about what she had told me, until the boy she slept with came back. However, she had came up with the glorious idea to have us both write down good/bad memories. My bad memories consisted of her and this boy mostly, I then let her read a few of my personal journal entries. The two recent articles, consisted of me suspecting something had gone on, to me then finding out, and me "venting."

After she head read them, she sat there in silence. She then asked me "is that how you still feel." The way I felt, was that she had lied to me. Every time she said "I love you," every time we laid together, every time I trusted her, was all a lie. The image of the two of them together in bed, or her in his lap, and everything people has said to me was stuck in my head. I was balled up to the point where I would burst into rage driving and punch dashboard and horn again, and again. I explained to her, that what I had done was different, because I had told her up front and honestly. She held the girl over my head for a month, and even after I had said to her to let it go, she kept it going. She finally got a taste of her own medicine, and she did not like it. I told her everything, how bad I felt, how betrayed, and how furious it all made me. To ask someone you love, to their face and ask "please, before I get into anything serious with you, you need to tell me if something has gone on." Or better yet "hey, did something happen between you two," and be lied to, by both of them.

I told her then, "if you want to save our relationship, he can't be in your life, because if you betray me once with him, I have no possibly way of knowing you wont do it again. You have to decide right now, or I walk out this door, and you lose me for good." She then said "I cannot choose between my best friend, and my boyfriend." I got in my car and left her there.

About an hour or so later, she came to my house, I was sitting out front, waiting for her there. She looked at me, and I told her that she was dead to me. A person who could lie to my face, who could allow me to do so much for her, and then tell me when this guy skips town, and she's drunk in my bed. I still gave her one last chance to make it right, because deep down I didn't want to toss her under the bus. Yet again, she didn't want to make that choice, she wanted to keep the man who she had slept with behind my back, and lied to me, and expected me to stay with her, and act like nothing had happened. The story about how they got together changed again. She know opened up and said she'd been sleeping with him, whilst she was seeing me. I figured from that point she was really lost, if she wasn't willing to make a sacrifice for our relationship, like I had done for her, then she was really lost to me. If she couldn't tell me the truth, even at the end, she was really lost.

I can't stand to think about her, every time I see her, I see their lie. I see the empty words that come out of her mouth, and I feel the rage I felt when she told me she had slept with another man. It's people like her, that make it hard for me to trust, and think what people say is the truth. Yet in passing, all I know is that I have a few close friends, a good pair of boots, and a bright future, this wont keep me down for long.

Since March, I've been engaged in a relationship with a woman. For those four months, it has seen the best of times, and the worst of times. Most of these times seemingly bad I suppose. I treated her wrong on several occasions, and thought of myself whenever it seemed fit and took her emotions on a roller coaster. However, recently (about three weeks ago,) our relationship came to a head. It was either I straighten my act, or we go out seperate ways. Many people told her, and I, that the other was not worth investing love and material to, and that we should go our seperate ways. Her and I both chose to keep going, with the mutual understanding that neither one of us was ready to toss the other under the bus. We had been children about this for far too long and we were ready and willing to give things a real go.

For the past three weeks, I've been happy with her. I've done everything I possibly could do for her, I've gone out of my way several times to make the effort to show her, the chance she had given me was worth it. I had made the effort to show her that I could tolerate a friend I did not like in the least, and for a moment me and him we're starting to become friend. However, saturday/sunday morning I had been hit in the heart with a devistating secret. During Marcon, my girlfriend and I had decided to take a break, this was because she decided to keep talking to her ex boyfriend (who abused her in every possibly way, and brought harm to friends close to both her and I.) I made her swear to me, she would not talk to this man and she agreed. Yet however, she continued to do it, even infront of me. The deal was while this break was going on "hey, I wont sleep with anyone else, as long as you do the same." Friday night, I made the mistake of kissing someone I had feelings for, for quite sometime, she walked in on us and saw this happen. I didn't see her for the rest of the weekend, and the fallowing week.

Shortly after Marcon we started to talk again, and begun the long process of putting our relationship back together. We thus come to a point were we decided we loved one another, and thought it was a wise decision to date again. However, during this time, it became obvious she was getting close with another man, everyone knows this man, and might know him as I've come to know him. I asked her several times "hey, did something happen between you two, let me know and I'll back off." Each time, she said "no" to my face, even after I had said "are you sure, you can tell me." Well, everything continued as normal, we started to make love again, we started to become a normal couple, we opened ourselves up. I begun to give this guy another shot, and made the effort to be a friend to him. My girlfriend's birthday was this past wednesday, I watched her enlist into the airforce, I took her to lunch, I made her shepards pie (from scratch), and bought her flowers and a cheese cake, I made her 21st birthday something special for her. This past sunday morning, after I carried her home and put her in my bed, I told her "I'd love you, no matter what." She then said "no matter what...?" I then asked her if something happened, and she said something did.  I asked her if she had sex with her friend, and she said yes. She said "I only had sex with him once." Then a short time later, she muttered "twice." She claimed she didn't know what her and I were going to turn out, and she was confused after she saw me kissing another girl. She then threw in, "I took his virginity." I flew into a rage, she kept muttering "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, hit me if you want to." However, I just couldn't, I couldn't bring myself to that level. I looked around as she passed out, and couldn't burn the image of the two of them out of my head. I started drinking, and everything had made sense between the two of them, the texts, the running to dayton without me, me seeing him on her lap at a party, it just became crystal clear. She slept with him right after marcon, and she wants me to forgive her for it. During an earlier break, I had a one night stand with someone I had met, but I had the courage to tell her to her face, that it happened once and I felt bad about it.

After this has happened, she let me know what else had been going on. He apparently told her "you need to make a choice between your boyfriend or Me." She chose me, and he disowned her. However, in her sobriety, she's trying to justify everything and say "well he didn't mean it like that." Yet it's obvious he wants her for himself, and it's been made very clear to him when he comes back, some words will be exchanged between him and I (just words, seriously,) and right now, I've made it clear, this man is being thrown under the bus, all photos of them, destroyed, and if she talks/hangs around him, then I'm gone. I'm not about to put what little feelings I have on the line, for someone who wants their cake and eat it to. I told her, she will regain my trust, if this boy is gone, if not, then I guess love is just a word.

Yes, I'm willing to make an effort to keep things together...but at the same time, I'm wondering if the bridge has been burned so much there isn't much left to repair?

My life hasn't been the greatest succession of towering accomplishments. So far, in the back of my mind, I've managed to bring about the total end of social order in my life. On one hand, I have feelings for someone I was in love with for the better part of three years. On the other, I have a woman I'm trying very hard to avoid. Not only do we compound that, we also have the notion that it's not a good idea for me to be sitting idly by waiting for my life to start. In short, I'm still debating wither or not I still want to join the service, and for what exactly.

This is the job I'm looking into:
http://www.airforce.com/opportunities/enlisted/careers/general/operations-intelligence-apprentice/

Essentially I'll be apart of that chain of people, which breaking it down would be a gross over simplification. Essentially my job is as listed, I build information. Which in my mind doesn't sound like a bad idea, as it would keep me interested in more ways than one. Its either that, or I can go for whatever else my life seems to have my way, in at this point seems like nothing, as I've failed to find anything that entertains my thoughts, and feelings.

If I were to do this, my ship out date would ideally be around July, unfortunately throwing myself at the mercy of the government, it could be the next day after I stepped into the recruiter's office, to after December 31st. If that were the case, wouldn't it be smart on my part to at least find a job to supplement my income, and thankfully a friend has given me a good idea on what to do in that case.

Note to self, also quit drinking, as if my actions Monday night were any indication?

I need to shower, goodnight world.